My Postpartum Experience, Raw and Unfiltered 

It was 2 am. The baby was crying. Again.

I picked up a pillow to prop her up and for a fleeting, terrifying moment, I thought about pressing it over her face. The idea vanished as quickly as it came. But the feelings of horror and guilt that flooded my body? Those may never fully leave me.

I was having thoughts that made me feel like a monster. I knew this was more than just exhaustion—it was my raw introduction to postpartum depression in older moms.

How We Got Here…

For three long years I had hoped, prayed, and waited for this baby. 

I had prioritized my career in my 20s and 30s. When I turned 38, I decided I was ready to become a mom. I assumed getting pregnant would be easy. I fully expected to start trying and be pregnant within a month or two. I mean, I was healthy, in great shape, and doing all the right things to get pregnant. 

Instead, we went on a 3 year-long infertility journey full of frustration and tears. Eventually, my then fiance and I decided to give up. We accepted that it would just be the two of us and it was time to move on. 

That moment, the moment we gave up, was the moment God answered our prayers. I can’t tell you how many people told me “stop trying and you’ll get pregnant.” For us, it was 100% true. I walked down the aisle with my little girl already growing in my belly and I had no idea. We were on our honeymoon when I found out I was pregnant! It was the most shocking wedding gift ever.

My pregnancy was easy—I was glowing, working out, and feeling amazing. There were no pregnancy complications and I got to have a natural birth. At 42, I finally got to meet the sweet baby I had been waiting for all those years.

During my pregnancy, I shrugged off all the warnings about postpartum from other moms. I didn’t need their negativity tainting my experience. I thought, “That won’t be me. I’ve got this”.

For the first few weeks of the postpartum period, I paid really close attention to how I felt. I have been depressed before so I wanted to make sure I noticed the first symptoms if any postpartum depression did pop up. But honestly, I was good. Caring for a baby was hard and I was tired but I was making it through.

Until I wasn’t…

When Reality Hits Hard 

Around the 4 month mark, I start to feel sad. A heavy kind of sadness that wouldn’t go away. Even with a night nurse 4 nights a week and a supportive husband, it all felt like too much. The weight of motherhood was crushing me and the mom guilt that came with it was suffocating.

Sometimes, I wished I could go back to life before having a baby. Back when things were simple and it was just my husband and I. Even though I had wanted this for so long, I was fantasizing about running away and not coming home. I felt awful for wanting to escape when I wanted to be soaking in and cherishing every moment. 

I felt guilty for not being okay even though I had so much help and support. Some moms do this all by themselves. I had help and yet, I was still struggling. 

I remember sitting in my car, crying and eating ice cream. That wasn’t me. My go-to way to deal with stress is hitting the gym, not emotional eating. That moment was my red flag. I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize and it scared me.

No, they weren’t signs of major depression, but they were warning signs. I knew I needed to pay closer attention to my thoughts and emotions before it turned into full-blown postpartum depression.

Postpartum Depression in Older Moms

Little did I know, postpartum depression is more common in older moms. Some studies say that if you are a mom under the age of 24 or over the age of 35 you have an increased risk of postpartum depression.

Other factors that put you at a higher risk for postpartum depression are:

• First-time motherhood
• Personal or family history of depression
• Other stressful life events going on at the same time
• A complicated pregnancy or delivery
• Breastfeeding issues
• Previous experience with infertility or losing a baby
• Hormonal disorders
• Isolation
• Lack of sleep
• Nutrient deficiency

Although I was eating super healthy, getting lots of support, and had a great pregnancy, I still had a lot of the risk factors. 

I was watching out for PPD (postpartum depression) during the first few months. I thought I was in the clear but when I least expected it, postpartum depression crept up on me.

Somewhere between 7-25% of women around the world experience postpartum depression at some point during the postpartum period. And yet, we barely talk about it.

Sure, my friends warned me that the first few months would suck but no one warned me that I might want to run away or put a pillow over my baby’s face.

I mean, I get why no one talks about it. It’s embarrassing and shameful to admit. To be honest, I don’t love the idea of sharing my dark moments either. I am doing it with the hope that my story can help someone else navigate postpartum recovery, recognize the signs of postpartum depression, and find the strength to seek help.

So, no matter what you might be thinking or feeling right now, know you’re not a monster and you are not alone. We can walk through this together.

Postpartum Depression Symptoms To Watch For

After giving birth, your body is tired, sore, and going through a whirlwind of hormonal changes. If that wasn’t enough already, we add on sleep deprivation and all the new responsibilities of caring for a baby. 

After 42 years of having the freedom to pretty much do what I wanted when I wanted, letting a little human run the show was a big adjustment!

No wonder we feel a little moody right after giving birth! Keep in mind, there is a big difference between the normal “becoming a momma growing pains” and postpartum depression.

The “Baby Blues”

The baby blues are super common. This is when you feel sad a few days after delivery but start to feel better within a few weeks. It happens to 80-85% of new mothers.

The baby blues look like:

• Moodiness
• Crying for no real reason
• Feeling anxious or irritable
• Getting overwhelmed easily
• Having trouble sleeping (even when the baby is finally asleep)

For me, the initial weeks were a blur of adrenaline. I was in survival mode, high on the excitement of finally meeting my baby girl. I felt tired, sure, but I loved her so much. The excitement carried me through…at least for a while.

Postpartum Depression Symptoms

Unlike the baby blues, postpartum depression hits harder and lasts longer. I didn’t realize that the signs of PPD can emerge anytime within the first year after childbirth. So, I definitely wasn’t in the clear like I thought when I made it through the first few weeks without symptoms.

Postpartum Depression Looks Like:

• Severe mood swings
• Sadness that won’t go away
• Intense anger or irritability
• Not wanting to be with your baby
• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, or worthlessness
• Changes in appetite or sleep patterns
• Intrusive thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

My pillow moment was a terrifying example of an intrusive thought. These are unwanted, distressing thoughts or images that creep into your mind unannounced. They can be a big warning sign of postpartum anxiety or PPD.

The fact that your thoughts or actions horrify you is a reminder that they aren’t your normal. You are not a monster. But you also shouldn’t ignore them and assume they will go away on their own. Untreated postpartum depression can lead to some scary situations for both you and your baby.

What to do if you think you might have postpartum depression

If my story resonates with you, take a few minutes to check in with yourself. Your mental health is as important as your physical postpartum recovery. 

To see if you might be struggling with PPD, ask yourself these questions:

1. How long have I been feeling like this? If it’s been more than two weeks, this isn’t just the baby blues.
2. Are my feelings getting worse? PPD symptoms tend to get worse over time if you don’t do anything about them.
3. Can I function day-to-day? Are you struggling to care for yourself or your baby?
4. Am I having intrusive thoughts? Are you experiencing scary thoughts about your baby or yourself?
5. Do I feel disconnected or empty? A persistent feeling of numbness or an inability to feel joy is a sign of PPD.
6. Am I isolating myself? Have you withdrawn from your partner, friends, or activities you once enjoyed?

Answering “yes” to some of these doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother or a bad person. It means you’re a human being who is carrying a little too much and needs some support. Living with postpartum depression is a heavy burden and no one should have to carry it alone.

Getting Help for Postpartum Depression

The most courageous thing I did was admit I wasn’t okay. After the pillow incident, I talked to my husband and my nanny about what happened. Yes, I cried while I told them about it and felt super ashamed. But, letting someone else into my dark thoughts made them feel a little less dark. Their reassurance reminded me that I wasn’t alone and their advice helped me find new ways to take care of myself.

Here are some ways you can get help if you’re struggling with PPD:

Talk to Someone You Trust

Start with your partner, a close friend, or a family member. Honestly, just admitting you are struggling can help you feel better. Ask your support system to help lighten the load so you can better care for yourself.

Talk to Your Doctor

Your OB-GYN or primary care doctor can both screen for postpartum depression. They usually do this at your postpartum visit but there is no shame in reaching out between visits if you think something might be up. They can connect you with mental health professionals and talk to you about other options to treat postpartum depression.

Find a Therapist

Look for a therapist who specializes in postpartum women. They understand the challenges of life with a new baby. A therapist can give you tools for overcoming intrusive thoughts and managing postpartum depression symptoms.

Join a Support Group

Connecting with other new mothers who are going through the same thing is so validating. You’ll realize you aren’t alone in your feelings or your experiences.

Make Time for Your Needs

I know, this tip might sound like a cruel joke when you can barely find time to shower. But even small moments of self-care can make a huge difference in how you feel. For me, getting on my spin bike for 45 minutes a day became a non-negotiable. Movement is medicine and I knew I needed that to support my mental health. 

Sleep and proper nutrition are super important too. They aren’t luxuries you can put off for later. They are necessities for right now. Ask for help so you can make sure you fit them into your life. It will be better for you and your baby.

The Journey to Healing

I’ll be honest, my postpartum recovery journey is still going. Writing and sharing this story with you is part of my healing process. This is one of the ways I shift the narrative from shame to strength.

I may not have figured this whole motherhood thing out yet but I do know it is possible to navigate the darkest corners of mental health and come out into the light. 

You are not a bad mom for feeling this way. You are a strong woman who is dealing with a lot of changes. Postpartum depression is a real medical condition, not a sign of weakness. This is a season and you will make it through. Accept the help you need. Give yourself grace so you can start to heal. Remember, this is a season. You can do this.

If you’d like to take this postpartum healing journey with me, join my mailing list. I’ll be sharing all the candid (and sometimes embarrassing) details of momma life and the unique challenges older mothers face. Joining my email list is the best way to make sure you don’t miss out on any of the updates.

Important: If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, please seek immediate help. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or contact Postpartum Support International at 1-800-944-4773.