Friends, I woke up today feeling tired but excited to get on IG LIVE to work out with our community. But after the workout I ate and had so much down time, I started to get in my feelings about being single. These feelings have led to lots of emotional eating in the past … but not today! I sat with these feelings and dealt with them as they brought me into a dark place.

Today wasn’t a good day; however I’m proud of myself that I didn’t indulge in comfort food to deal with my emotions. Days like these make me question my faith, God, and everything I have been taught growing up. What is false programming and what’s true?

I just got on dating apps, too. I am cautious and not sure how it works or how long I will try them. It’s hard to build a connection with people online, but I am putting myself out there. I can’t complain about being single and do nothing about it. My biggest fear is to wake up at 50 and look back to see I didn’t have the courage to love again. I believe I have more than one love in this lifetime.

Still, it’s hard to see that sometimes. The love I had in the past wasn’t even real love. It was romanticized in my head by me. It’s crazy how the story in our head can be so wrong for years and that story dictates our decisions and reality. I neglected to see the red flags from the beginning and to this day I’m still learning to trust my intuition.

That’s why I get frustrated that I haven’t met someone I really like who I want to spend everyday with. I feel as if God isn’t listening and it makes me angry. I ask myself, why can’t I have real love yet? After all, I love myself and feel ready to love again but after every disappointment it makes me more fatigued to keep going. The fact that I want to give up at love at 36 years old makes me so sad.

So you can see how all these emotions can really trigger me to eat, which is why I wanted to express them and use this blog as an outlet. Self-reflection really helps me make better choices.

Which is why I am going to focus on the bright side: I ate so well today! Honestly, I thought I was going to hate using My Fitness Pal app to count all my macros, but it has actually been a relief and a huge help. I don’t have to stress any more if I got my carbs in or ate too many. It takes away the stress of counting them in my head all day. I don’t plan to do it forever, but for these 50 Days I am glad to have it.

Today’s Food & Workout Recap:

• Exercise: Cardio and abs today on IG Live for 20 minutes
• Immediate post-workout snack: Protein and strawberry smoothie
• For lunch 4 hours later: Salmon & veggies from my parent’s house!
• Dinner: I finished the day with 2 eggs, tuna, an avocado and coconut flakes.

Total food calories for today: 2,020, 25% Carbohydrates, 47% Fat, 28% Protein.

… I ate more calories than normal but they were all healthy foods. I also had a shorter workout than usual, but I still made sure to get it in. Both of these are successes, and I am choosing to focus on those positives! In the meantime, I hope these feelings pass quickly and tomorrow is a better day.